5 weeks

My baby is enjoying its fifth week with us and as a gift I was allowed to sleep almost 4 hours during the night, then, after a long and a little bit stressful feed I was given 3 and half hours extra. Is my baby growing into a little person who sleeps for longer? We are also starting to smile and communicate,  it is a nice change. Up until now it was sleeping, feeding, screaming, occasional moment of staring at me or windows or the ceiling. The little person is growing fast and changing rapidly.

The health visitor came in today and swore that it will get easier and I will get to sleep one day soon, but even today I feel like a superhero, who would think that last night could be considered a very good night?

Breastfeeding is going well. My only problem is that longer breaks mean fuller breasts and when baby starts feeding the fast flow makes him gasp and gulp and if there is no successful burp my darling will vomit a little bit. It happened last night and although it was quite easy to get over, at 3 am everything seems much more dramatic, I was wondering if I should consult the doctor about it. Could it be something serious? But today we are fine again, so I assume it was just an episode.

Right now, by 5 pm, baby is enjoying a nap which is shocking, usually by this time of a day we are having an almost non stop feed and one grumpy little person. I am so surprised that I am unable to nap. Is it possible that the hardest times are ending? Could I start returning to being myself again? The person who takes care of her appearance and wants to publish a novel? I managed to mop the floors today and to tidy up downstairs, what a nice achievement.

My husband is sitting by the desk, working. He is so happy he doesn't have to assist me with 'taming the beast' as we used to call our evenings. The baby would get so grumpy late afternoon and it would last till late evening - apparently they do it to stock up feeds for the night. If it meant longer breaks I didn't mind, but being woken up every hour and half after an afternoon like that made me desperate, emotional and upset.

I should try to have a nap. But I can not help thinking how every extra minute the baby gives me counts. During the day, I am desperately catching up with house work, paperwork, emails, calls. During the nights and evenings I sleep and sleep. My days are unpredictable and the highlight is my morning shower - the only 'me time' of the day. However, my maintenance is very simple. I didn't style my hair in the last five weeks, just put them back in a plate so they are not in a way and I can fall a sleep without doing anything about them. Same goes for skin care: cleansing and moisturizing in the morning, nothing in the evening. But now I do find time to take care of my nails (just to keep them short though) and I shave again, I didn't stop washing my hair regularly. On Sunday I even managed to put on my face mask while husband entertained the baby.
I wonder around the house in tracksuit pants and shirt which used to be husbands. The shirt is almost permanently undone as there is no point in fiddling with the buttons when baby demands yet another feed. To put something on when we go out for a walk is a challenge, but it feels nice to fit into my jeans and wear things that are not baggy and loose. Last weeks nice weather caught me by surprise, I wasn't ready to show off my skin, after so long time being pregnant and weeks of mothering, it is hard to return to being myself, or being seen in bright daylight in a simple dress.

But as I think about last night and look at the sleeping (for now) baby, there is a hope that I may put on skirt and a nice top sometimes soon, apply a BB cream and mascara and take it off in the evening (cleansing in the evening seems like a waste of precious sleeping time at the moment), or even do my hair and paint my toenails! I may even get out of the house for longer and spend more time around. And I probably will revise my novel sometimes this year! There is light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it now. Looking back, the beginning is really hard, but it is so rewarding. Seeing my baby growing and happy is the best reward I can get. My life is different and it will never get back to where it was, but it is so much richer, I am glad it is the way it is. Lets push my luck and try to nap....

Why didn't they tell me?

My last post feels like a century ago. Was I really pregnant? And yet it does seem that I was pregnant forever. Labour felt like such a big deal, the defining moment of my life. And it was, don't get me wrong. When it finally happened, it was intense, long, surprising and highly rewarding at the end.

The thing is: the labour I was so anxiously waiting for was just a beginning. There are so many information and speculation about labour (and I should write about mine more - it was a big deal) but at the moment I am too overwhelmed with what happens after. Why didn't they tell me about the after? Yes, we know there will be a baby here. Labour is only the beginning of a whole new life. A life that doesn't belong to me anymore. I knew it will be hard. I knew I will be sleep deprived. But I didn't know how much.

I was told newborns feed often and sleep a lot. Nobody told me they can feed more or less non stop, sleep at the end of the feed but stay unsettled the moment I try to put baby down and get some rest. Nobody told me how hard it is to figure out breastfeeding, I wasn't warned about cracked nipples, mastitis, mouth thrush, growing spurs and general fussiness. Is there a conspiracy going on?

When my baby was born I thought: never again. It was hard. But in few days time I was so deeply in love with the baby I thought: it is worth it. Three weeks later not so much. My mindset at the moment is: labour is OK, the stuff afterwards, the first weeks, that is the real hell. If I will be asked about having another baby, this time will probably be the reason I will not be keen. The only good thing is, I could die in labour but it is much less likely to die of mothering...

There are days when I think I did figure my new baby out and I do manage to dress up properly and do a little bit of work around the house. Today is the first time I was able to check my emails and post a blog, yet it was disturbed about four times by feeding. But the moment I think I am getting the hang of things and I can do motherhood, my baby changes its act and decides to be completely different. What worked yesterday doesn't work today and any progress is reversed.

I am exhausted. Thanks to very supportive and understanding husband I am helped as much as he is able to. Seeing me nearly in  tears this afternoon he took the baby for a long drive. Drive calms baby down and gives me a chance to have a nap. All I need is some sleep. Being so sleep deprived makes me emotional and blame the poor baby for its behavior which is not fair on the poor little thing.

Conclusion? This post doesn't make much sense and seems quite negative. Motherhood is tough. But to have a moment of calmness with my baby makes it all worth it. Sleeping for three hours and waking up to the 'ready to eat' noises makes it all worth it. Seeing my baby doing so well makes it worth it. Being a family makes it worth it. But it is the toughest job in the whole world.

41 weeks

OK, I am still pregnant. After all of my preparation, after I finished a book and printed it out and put it away so I can do revision once the baby lets me, after all of my beautifully calm and healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, I am living in a limbo.

Last week I posted a blog about a midwife who met me for the first time a day after my due date and completely freaked me out. And I hoped I will overcome this and the baby will come. First babies are apparently a week late, it's normal. Well, today it is the beginning of week 41 and all I can say is that in the past week I may have felt few cramps which may be a 'practice' contractions, or wind, or they may be completely made up by my mind always watching out for THE SIGN.

During the week I ate four pineapples, drank 5 liters of raspberry tea, ate chilli in everything apart my porridge in the morning, did yoga, meditation, affirmations, pep talks to the bump, pressed all the right points on my feet and legs, had long walks every single day. I wouldn't mind for the baby taking its time, clearly it is happy inside me, the only problem is the deadline given to me by the midwife last week. The thing is: my body is coping very well, my pregnancy was (is) a blast, so why would suddenly everything stop and the baby would be left in me beyond the time it needs with an old aging tired placenta which, as I was told, can not support it anymore?

Now, at the very end, I started to search on forums and panels (I thought I will do lots of this during my pregnancy, but actually didn't feel the need to until now), looking for people like me and I see lots of women who are scared and worried. I am not, my mind is clear and positive, I am ready, I don't care that it will hurt. I just want the labour to start naturally on its own, same way as my pregnancy started. Instead of being told that I NEED to be induced I want somebody to explain how could such a natural process suddenly stop progressing. Are all the induced women just talked into the induction  by health professionals who like everything by the book or because they just can not bare being pregnant anymore? Of course this isn't about me only, the main concern is will I harm my baby if I refuse induction?

My mother was one month overdue with my older sister. She told me that in the times before ultrasound the due date was less accurate. My friend has an eighteen years old daughter, she was overdue, too, but at the time it wasn't such an issue, they simply let her wait (and she didn't mind because she got pregnant in the final year of high school and at her age exams were more of a worry - I believe that is the price we 'mature' mothers pay, we worry more).

I know I have got a right to refuse induction. I just don't want to harm my baby and I am trying to rely on my instincts, but everything is getting mixed up in my head.

Husband is becoming impatient. After getting all supportive last week and spending his four days off on my walks and pineapple mission he wants to see results. He is hissing at my stomach: 'Get out!' every time he passes me. Baby's hiccups and movements don't interest him anymore. To massage me is a chore. Reflexology is a witchcraft. For some strange reason he doesn't even want to have sex with me. This morning he disappeared in the study making it clear that he isn't interested in accompanying me on yet another walk. He told me the baby is coming, we are seeing our midwife tomorrow if not, and we will take it from there. Well nobody will stick two fingers up his cervix tomorrow so of course he is relaxed. His support has got its limits, he wants to see results for it and as usually he can not really get why am I emotional and irritated. I wish he could always say and do the right thing but I don't know myself what it is. And he is the closest person right now so he will get my frustrations channeled on him. Unfair, I know.

I feel like I am left alone in the whole world, pregnant forever. Time is running at a very different pace, too slow at one hand, too fast at the other. Too slow considering how long it takes for the labour to start, too fast considering the midwife visit and the decisions I will have to make. I felt in harmony with my body and with the baby, now I feel like I am either not doing enough or the connection is lost. I feel like having a strike today, but at least I ate a whole pineapple, so I can tick that off and wait and relax a little bit more.....

Today I finished my book

I am two days over due. While everybody says that hardly any baby arrives on the due date and first babies are generally late, suddenly I keep getting annoyed. Since before my due date husband kept asking: 'Do you feel anything? Any contractions? Anything different?' And he would ask me like that every couple of hours. As if in the case that I did go into labour I would just keep quiet and waited for him to ask.
The day after my due date - yesterday, was the day of my ante-natal appointment. My midwife is on holiday, so we had to go to a drop in at a near by children's center. The waiting area was full and husband didn't get any better idea than announce that we are over due. A day, people, a day over due! Yest there were all the sorry looks and suggestions of a long walks....
The midwife didn't know me and we both realized how blessed we were so far to see the same midwife throughout my pregnancy so far and a lovely one on top of that. This new one did hardly check the baby but kept telling me about the thing they will do to me (or should I say to my cervix) in a week time if I don't go into labour and about getting my induction date. As if I was awfully late. And I should take long walks, eat pineapple and have sex - all of it a lot. I felt like a complete failure, like if I should have had already delivered or do something about it. I left feeling rubbish and the only good thing was that husband didn't really click with this new midwife, too, she may just have been in a strange mood or annoyed because the clinic was busy and she was there overtime, but our day was ruined.
My pregnancy so far was great. Everything was well, now I only need my baby to arrive. By itself. I want to avoid induction or any funny business around my cervix, I believe that it will happen. Since about the end of 38th week I keep observing myself, unsure of what to expect. But I thought that the real stress starts only by the end of 41st week, which is still faraway?
To add more to my mood my family and our friends keep asking: any news? Again, as if we wouldn't tell them. Luckily my husband finally realized that him asking me won't do any good to my mood and knows that I will tell him as soon as the magic contractions arrive. For the rest of the world, I wish I could move away into a cave and quietly wait.

But I am proud to announce that after weeks of hard work (some days of doing nothing, some days of hard writing) I finished my novel. All 32 chapters, all 88 493 words. I wrote last two chapters early in the morning after a bad sleep (dreaming about getting ready for my cervix to be poked and explaining to my husband that I really don't feel very sexual these days - I want stuff to come out of me, not to get in!). So I am done. I was afraid I will not finish it before giving birth, that I will loose the flow, as I know how difficult it is to catch up after a long break, but I did manage at the end. And now I feel completely ready for the baby to arrive, no unfinished business here.

I finished my book, went out for a long walk, came back home, made a pot of raspberry leaf tea, printed out the novel so it is ready for revision and now I can write a very satisfying blog post about a finished project. All I need to focus on is to get the baby out of me. I am ready, husband is ready and eager (well it's not him doing the labour, is it), our home is ready. I have all the time and energy for walks, pineapples, curries, and positive affirmations. Come, my precious, come....

Week 39

Week 39 is fun. Last week my husband was panicking because our friends decided that we are not ready enough and have no idea what is expecting us. Besides that, everybody had a need to give him all the horror stories possible. So he kept coming home wondering if we should try to get my non-traveling family to come over, if he will know what to do with me, if I will cope. How will he know how far my labour progressed? Will he be checking it? (NO NO NO). What if the baby needs some help? What if the umbilical cord is around its neck?
My midwife - as I am lucky to see the same one every time I go for my check, will be on holiday next week and he took it as a personal insult. Somehow, in his head, he assumed that she will be holding my hand through all of my labour. How did he even think it is beyond me, the fact that she has got the clinic in my GP surgery doesn't mean she will be around while I am giving birth, does it? I never thought so, but here we go, he was really upset about it and I am glad he wasn't able to come to the last appointment with me.
I really like my midwife and thanks to that I have an absolute trust in all of her team and whoever will be assisting me during the birth of my child. But ultimately, it is my job to birth the child, so I have an absolute trust in me and my baby. We will make it.
It doesn't matter that I don't have a family which will come over or many friends. I prepared very well, I am calm. If people assume that my calmness is due to ignorance they should first find out how ready I am (and how ready I helped my wonderful husband to get!) before unnerving my birth partner. What are friends for again?
But over the last weekend I was panicking myself. We were practicing how to put together the pram, how to put the car seat in and I couldn't get it at first. I started panicking that I will be horrible mother once the baby is here! I am very fine about my pregnancy and about the labour but now I have to start to look further and it is indeed scary.
What am I supposed to do with the baby? How do I bring it up? Looking back, I have a feeling I brought myself up, I remember being quite reasonable as a child. But of course I needed my parents a lot. Will I be any good at parenting?
There was a video sent to us by another helpful soul about the four kind of cries. Apparently babies usually need one of the four things so a well tuned parent will recognize by the cry what it is, helps the baby swiftly and never ever ends up with endlessly crying frustrated baby. I didn't hear any big difference between the apparently different cries and when I thought I did I couldn't remember what it was for.
'Can I just leave once the baby is out? It's only fair, I carried it around for a very long time, it's your turn now!'
My husband found it amusing. Where will I go? No idea.

But it was last week. Now all is well in Real household. We decided that our team works well and we will take it forward one step at a time.

I am huge. Baby is engaged and wiggles a lot, I suppose it is annoyed with the lack of space. I am inviting it out: more than enough stretching and kicking space out here! I hope we will have birth on term. I don't want to be induced. And I am tired, I don't sleep well, I am slow. I try to stay active as much as I can as I feel better that way but in the evenings I am finished - as if I was on a trek. I am also afraid to go too faraway by myself. So over the weekend my husband took some walks with me but during the week I am very careful and scared to go for a swim by myself. It is apparently quite normal.
Most of all, I am ready. It is Spring now and I am having a Spring baby. It woke me up at 5.30, all excited about the equinox (probably). So come! Anytime!

37 weeks - almost there!!

I am officially ready and my baby is officially ready, too. It is still moving freely within, last week we had our check and it didn't engage yet. I don't think anything changed about it so far. Well, we still have couple of weeks, so the baby can enjoy the cosiness and comfort of my womb and I can... enjoy what? Last weeks of pregnancy are demanding. I still feel good but now I am discovering things like agony with number 2 - hello piles! I am short of breath, tired, slow, unable to sleep comfortably and if people are not sensitive enough I may cry. Yes. But I am happy and proud nevertheless.

I spent a lot of time getting ready and organized and I am trying my best to organize the world around me, mainly husband. He just doesn't understand that our lives will become a chaos very soon and that whatever he can do NOW he really should do.

I am cleaning obsessively because it may be the last proper clean I will be able to do for a while. I am stacking up things, freezing food and agonizing over laundry - will husband run out of socks and shirts? He is unable to think ahead and realize that if he only has got one shirt left he needs to wash, dry and iron some. Same goes with socks and underwear. Once you take the last thing out of the drawer it is too late. How can men not realize such thing? Yet even if he does realize, the control of a washing machine is a mystery to him. It is a machine, he should love it as men do enjoy anything with displays and buttons, yet somehow it stays a big enigma to him.

I am busy preparing baby's things, making sure I have got the newborn stuff ready and somehow it annoys me that I have to think about husband in a way as if he was my first baby - a very needy one.

Yet he is great. He gives me massages and prepares himself to be my birth partner because he is the only person able to do so. I don't have a close enough friend or a family member to ask, he is my closest person. We worked as a team up until now and my pregnancy brought us even closer.

I am now on maternity leave, he is quite busy and we had the chat about his leave. At work they know when we are expecting the baby and once I go into labour he will start his leave. He asked me how long should he take? Does he even need a leave? What?
His argument was he will not be of much use to me in the first days. I will be taking care of the baby most of the time. As a man he sees the birth and the breast feeding as a thing he can not influence too much.
So I tried to explain to him again: he will be shattered, labour will be long and he will be with me. If he manages to stay through without fainting, of course. Then he will want to bond with the baby. I am having a relationship already, I feel it moving in me all the time, there is a strong connection. He feels the movements sometimes and sees my bump, but I don't think he is as much aware of the little person as I am and I think once the baby comes out (and I will get my body back! yes!) he will need his own bonding time and I will be more than happy to see it.
But that is not all. My plan is to rest and I need him to take over the house, take care of the cleaning and cooking and shopping, to make sure we have got everything we need, to communicate with the world as I don't think I will be in a rush to go out or think about the world outside (I will be on baby planet), yet obviously we will need to share the big news.

That is the one thing that worries me, the way how unaware men are about all the little things that need to be done. What I do around the house without thinking I have to ask him to do if I need his help. He will cook but he will not take the cookbook back to its shelf. He will wash the dishes but he will not clean up the kitchen counter at the same time. He will clean the cooker but not the wall behind it splattered with tomato sauce from his cooking.
He will wash the sink but leave the tops of the taps dirty although the stains from water or toothpaste are so clearly visible.
He will clean the toilet seat but not lift it and clean it from the other site.
He will take the bin out but not clean the lid if it is dirty, he just replaces the bag.
He doesn't mind to the weekly shop but he will not think about the meals in advance and prepare the shopping list, check what we need. If he takes out the last toilet roll or tube of toothpaste he will not think about adding these on the list.
And so it goes on....

That is the thing - we see things (mess) differently and approach chores differently. I see what needs to be done, he does a task (the one task he was asked to do). I will spend longer doing things because they need to be done, he will say he didn't notice. How can he not notice? Do men not see mess? Yet he is a germophobe, he washes his hands obsessively and is generally good at helping around, but he doesn't notice dirt on the bin, in the bath or in the toilet.

Husband lived alone for a while so he knows the basics, but when I ask him to do things, he does them in a way as if they were beneath him. I don't expect a man to be crazy for chores, yet why should I be? Cleaning and house work aren't my favorite things to do or a way to make myself proud, I do them because they need to be done. And I like to be organized and take pride in my work, even if it is a mundane thankless chore.

So he now understands that I want to take some time after birth, recover and get used to taking care of our baby and I wish not to worry about domestic chores. His role during his leave will not only be to enjoy his first child but also to take care of us. He understands it and agrees, yet I am freaking out. I don't want to have to keep asking him or reminding him, I just want things done for once! How will it be? Only time will tell, obviously. Nothing will stay the same, that's for sure. But I don't expect husband to finally understand and appreciate all the invisible work that goes on around the house. Whenever he does help I feel obliged to praise him, whatever I do stays unnoticed because same way he doesn't see mess he doesn't notice when things get done. Isn't it a nice thing to be born a man? Hopefully we are having a girl....

35 weeks

I am 35 weeks! I am massive and a good night sleep is a thing of mystery to me. Not only does the baby tend to wake me up whenever it wants to. Two nights ago it decided to kick my right ribs in such a strong way that I actually shook up and woke up. Then it wiggled within doing some sort of dance routine. Its moonwalks over my ribs are usually amusing but this one was mean, really mean.

Than here comes my husband. He had a cold over Christmas and he couldn't shake it off. He got antibiotics after almost a month of coughing, nose blowing and snoring. Then the antibiotics killed his helpful bacteria in the gut and he got some digestion issues, felt tired and weak. It was actually my fault because I didn't make sure he eats probiotics with his antibiotics. Who would expect a man to think about that? He got over it. During this time he is able to work, traveled to a conference in Malta and managed to enjoy a weekend at the bachelors for his friend. For all these events he manages to be fine and active. Than he comes home, refuses to accompany me to swimming even though I am super conscious of the way I look (and the fact that I only fit into bikini) because he is feeling sick or weak or both, he snores at night and complains during the day. He was fine for a while but now his cough is back and aren't his eyes red? Is he getting an infection? What do I think?

So when the baby allows me to rest I am woken up by him or by wondering if there is something serious going on, if he is having some bad illness, if he will even meet his baby he wanted so much... Seriously, the thoughts that come to your head at about 3.30 am are crap. Your normal reasonable mind is not active, the speculative bad worrying mind takes over. It is dark, quiet, you are trying to sleep while the man next to you huffs and puffs and the brain decides to speculate. Annoying!

I am trying my best to keep up. During the day I usually come to a conclusion that husband will survive. I secretly think that he is feeling left out with all the attention on me and my pregnancy (although it is OUR pregnancy, I don't mind to share, really) and his symptoms are more or less of mental nature. I do not think he is succumbing to some rare illness I think he needs more attention. I am trying my best to be nice to him and be as helpful around the house as I can, but aware that if I do too much he will assume pregnancy is swimmingly easy and won't make much effort. As always it is up to the woman to keep the balance and make him believe he is the controller. Sounds mean but it is true.

If I am active I feel better (my yoga teacher recommended as much activity as possible and she was right), plus I hope I will be tired and therefore sleep better. It helps to go to bed early and catch some extra sleep in the hours I would usually watch TV or a movie. I am probably in training for sleepless nights in the future.

I am not writing much, somehow there is so much to do! First of all there was an urge to clean, then I started washing and sorting all baby clothes and stuff we were given so far and I also had a sudden urge to source all the rest. I am getting ready. I have to get ready. Nothing interests me more than be ready for the big arrival of a little being who needs all of this stuff. I found great pram car seat combination on gumtree for a fraction of its original price. We are being given a cot. I spent half day researching reusable nappies. It is a science. Which type to go for? How do I know what will work? I chose a compromise - terry nappies. They cost less and I grew up with them, so did husband. We can not actually remember it but we did survive and our mothers did, too. So they can not be that bad. Now, as soon as there is space on the laundry line, I have to start washing the nappies and practice the folding. Laundry lines are full of baby's bedding and towels and wash clothes, we were flying through Boots and Ikea on Saturday morning with a long list in the hand, trying to stay ahead of the usual Saturday crowds (what is it with people actually wanting to spend their weekend in a shopping centers?). We have got everything we assume we need including Paracetamol (for the beginning of labour) and changing mat and... Well since probably only people in similar situation to mine are reading so far you have got pretty good idea what we have, but I must say I am proud of our organization skills.

The idea that I will be a full time writer during those last weeks was a little bit naive. But I did manage to catch up with what I have written so far - half of the novel is done and I can carry on, memory fresh, new ideas in my head. It helped to look back although it isn't recommended to revise unfinished novels but I needed to catch up and refresh my memory, that's all. It helped, I am very inspired. I hope I will get better once my nesting instinct is satisfied at least for a while.... Tomorrow.....